The Tabloid Zone...With Criticism!
by MateriaGirl
Summary: Sephiroth and Music Groups don't mix! Read what he says to TO them and ABOUT them in this issue of The Tabloid Zone...With Criticism! Please R&R!


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Author's Note: Every fact in this story is fake! I really don't hate any of the music groups or singers I'm criticizing. In fact, I love 'em all! Enjoy! ^_~

The Tabloid Zone…With Criticism! ^_~

Sephiroth and Music Groups don't mix!

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Sephiroth: {comfortably sitting on a sofa, sipping cocoa} 

Director: Okay Sephie. 3, 2, 1…action…

Sephiroth: Welcome to the Criticism Zone. I'm Sephiroth. I've come to criticize music groups, music videos and music! I hate them all. Although, because I am getting paid a lot, there will be special guest stars on the show today…perhaps, beating me up if I criticize them. So, don't feel sorry for me…well, you could and then pay extra money to the company! But…uh…well…

Director: {from backstage} Get on with the show!

Sephiroth: R-Right!…The first thing I will point out…is *NSYNC's video, 'It's Gonna Be Me'…Oh, I'm so sure, Justin! You and your stuck up ego! Are you sure it's not gonna be you to be the first kicked off of the group? They just _claim_ they're all friends, see…But backstage, and in personal life…they start beating each other up! …Not as bad as I might get beaten up for saying these things! Anyhow, getting to the point. In that video…Why the hell would a teenage girl go to a toy store anyhow? She's not stocking up on soldiers, and tin robots is she? Oh, welcome all! It's the toy shop, where you can find your own boyfriend…IN PLASTIC!! Ha, that's a riot! {bursts out in laughter!!}

{*NSYNC runs in with the girl from the video}

The Girl: I can't believe you said that! {bursts out in tears}

Sephiroth: Oh look! It's the boys from *NSYNC! Oh, they dare not beat me up! Ha, Ha! I'm the great Sephiroth!

Chris: Yeah! And you're dead meat too!

Sephiroth: You're going to attack me? You haven't any weapons! And- Oh, I get this! This is one of those fistfights! You think your fists can beat my sword?! HA HA HA!

Justin: Get with the times, freak! 

{All start beating up Sephiroth}

Lance: {jumps up} Ow!…I think I broke a nail!

JC: Lance! You idiot!! 

Lance: {picks up a cell phone} Hi? Sonya?…Yeah, my nail chipped again. Can you hook me up?…Okay…Ah, no way! No way! {starts walking away}

Director: CUT! CUT!!…This isn't how it goes!…Okay after the break, Sephie, we'll continue!

AFTER THE BREAK…

Sephiroth: {All bandaged} Uh…Yes, I'm still alive. Before the break, *NSYNC and the Girl were beating me up. Basically *NSYNC…Well, you know what Justin? Your ego is still the biggest one of it's kind! The loser kind! And JC, Lance, Chris, You aren't good looking!! Oh, and Joey, get a load of this! SUPERMAN SUCKS!!! I know he's your fave superhero, but he's not a hero at all! He's a ZERO!! And-

Director: Sephie!

Sephiroth: Anyhow, I'm getting paid for this. A lot of money, I hope. So for all you fans, or haters…Don't you just hate Britney Spears' video 'Lucky'? Oh it's awful! Her singing, her clothes and- Oh let's not forget, HER!!! Oh I hate her soooo much! Could she possibly grow anymore uglier?! It's revolting really! Ohmigawd, she looks awful without makeup!- Oh wait! She looks awful anyway!! HA HA! Oh, I am good! If someone hired me to kill her, I wouldn't even listen to the details! I'd run and find her, and when I do find her…I'll throw a card at her and say 'Call the number on this card! He's a Plastic Surgeon!!!' HA HA HA!! HA! H-

{Britney comes charging in, with two large, men beside her}

Britney: I heard that you, idiot!

Sephiroth: {stops laughing} Huh…Oh Britney…I made a parody of your song, do you want to hear it?

Britney: {sits down} Uh…well, okay…

Sephiroth: {singing…You can sing along too! A parody to 'Oops! I did it again!'}  
Oops! I did it again!  
I made a CD no one would buy!  
'Cause I really suck! Uh huh! Uh huh, yeah!  
Oops! Yes, I really suck!  
And the world lives in muck!!!  
And no one likes my CDs, yeah!

Sephiroth: {grins} Do you like it?

Britney: {slaps Sephiroth} You freak!

Sephiroth: {laughs} Hey Britney. How's Justin?

Britney: What?

Sephiroth: He said you were fine. How's he?

Britney: I oughta kill you!! {starts strangling Sephiroth} You jerk! You idiot! 

Sephiroth: {mutters} H-help…p-please…s-she's got…grip…

Director: Uh…Britney. You could loosen up a little bit…please?

Britney: No way! 

Sephiroth: {glances at her nails} They're sharp…?

Britney: You wanna test try them? {starts scratching- or I should say 'clawing' Sephiroth}

Sephiroth: MY EYES!!! THEY'RE FALLING OUT!!!

Director: CUT! CUT!…Sephie, we'll continue after the break?

Sephiroth: {murmurs} That…sounds nice…

AFTER THE BREAK…

Sephiroth: {All bandaged and plastered} Don't ask. Last part, Britney was here, clawing my eyes out. It's super fun to make fun of girls…but, just as long as she's not Britney Spears. The next thing I will point out isn't even a video! It's a person! She's a very annoying person!…Have you seen Christina Aguilera lately? She's just awful! I can't bear to even stare at her, she wears too much mascara and eyeliner! It looks like she has a black eye for life! Oh, look she has this innocent personality on camera, then when she's alone…she's an-

Director: Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: …sorry…Anyhow, perhaps Christina should get a makeover! She looks hideous already and that might never change at all!! I can't believe what ugly clothes she wears, how horrid she sings, it's enough to make one faint! And oh! The horror that is Christina Aguilera! She must be brave, to go out in public looking like that! I mean, those "fans" could have murdered her…And I'm still wondering why they haven't…Anyhow, I have something to tell her if she's watching! DIE CHRISTINA DIE!! Ha ha!! Oh and, Christina, it's a threat to see your videos! Every time I see one on TV I-

{just then, 'Genie in a bottle' starts playing}

Sephiroth: H-…What? Who set me up?

Director: What's happening? 

Sephiroth: Y-You set me up! You-

Director: Seriously, I- {points to a screen behind Sephiroth, where Christina Aguilera appears} What's that?…Christina?

Sephiroth: Chris- NO!! 

{Christina barges in}

Sephiroth: Christina?…Oh, hello! So horrid of you to join us! What are you going to wear next? Pink boots, and red poodle skirts? Maybe a disgusting brown catsuit, filled with pink bows on it! Oh, just the usual. For you!!! HA HA!

Christina: You better take that back…

Sephiroth: I'm not afraid of girls!…You…don't have grip do you?

Christina: I don't know. Wanna find out?

Sephiroth: Uh, no, it's fine. No, no, NO!!

Christina: {starts strangling Sephiroth and punching him in the head}

Sephiroth: It-wasn't-supposed-to-be-like-this---!!

Director: Christina-

Christina: Don't even talk to me!

{All of a sudden, *NSYNC and Britney Spears walk in}

Justin: {drops a pepsi he was holding} She's beating him up too.

Britney: Well, that guy is a jerk.

Chris: Serves him right…I think.

JC: The guy's got long hair.

Lance: Does hair naturally grow out silver?

Joey: You think I know? I died my hair red. You think I'd know what's natural?

Chris: Hey Joey. Don't blame Lance. He doesn't know any better.

{All stare at Sephiroth getting beat up}

Justin: Yo, Christina. We're gonna get something to eat. Want anything?

Christina: A knife!

Britney: A knife?

Christina: I'm gonna kill this guy!

Chris: …sounds reasonable.

JC: Yo, Director. Can ya help us out here?

Director: {tosses them a kinfe}

Justin: And $60!

Britney: {slaps Justin on the head} …$70!

Director: {tosses them $70}

Christina: {grabs the knife} Thanks! {points it down at Sephie}

Sephiroth: Hey! This is my show. You can't kill the host!

Everyone else, besides Christina: Watch her!

Sephiroth: NOO!!!!

Director: CUT! That was marvelous!

Christina: {stops with the knife} Really?

Sephiroth: {gets up} How much do I get paid?

Director: $5 for bravery, and $20 for making it so interesting that the viewers actually saw this far! And-…hey! {looks at camera} YOU DIDN'T TURN THE CAMERA OFF?!

{Everyone stares at it}

Justin: WELL SOMEONE TURN THE DANG THING OFF!!!

Director: The producer only knows how to do that, and he's on a lunch break!

Christina: They weren't supposed to see this far, were they?

JC:…WELL, SOMEONE CHOP THE DANG THING DOWN!! 

Director: I don't have an axe.

Britney: …Someone have a hard head?

Joey: Chris does.

Chris: Hey!

Joey: With a built in thickness layer!

Britney: Good, now just…throw him into the camera.

Chris: Hey! I object here!

Director: Wait a second! I can blow the fuse if I tug on the wires.

Lance: Well, what are you waiting for? Tug?!

Director: …Okay. {tugs on the wires and camera blacks out} So long! And thanks for watching!

Sephiroth: Hey! It's my show!…{ahem} Tha-

THE END…

Author's note: This might've gotten just a little bit out of order at the end, but besides that, tell me how you like it. Review, please?


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